A Guide to Confidence
This blog is the fourth of four covering the Four Pillars
Much of what defines a person’s capacity is the determination and grit they display when they have reached the limits of their abilities.
Confidence is a feeling of self-assurance of one's own abilities or qualities. To become assured of our abilities and qualities, we must practice behaviors that are indicative of the abilities we wish to possess and the qualities we wish to display. If we want to be good at something, we must practice that thing. For instance, if we desire to be a good basketball player, we practice doing what it takes to be a good basketball player, such as the fundamentals of handling the ball, passing, shooting, rebounding, etc. Learning the fundamentals can be awkward and clumsy for us. We would have to play against other, more experienced players whose abilities were far better than ours. In these times we often face frustration. That frustration is a result of having reached the limits of our abilities and knowledge of the game. This, in turn, makes us better players. Once we become proficient, we could look back with laughter at how silly we looked in the beginning.
Mastery
The awkwardness and clumsiness of learning new skills is a necessary part of mastery. We achieve mastery by learning all the subtle nuances of our craft, all the ins and outs of the subject matter. It is also knowing what to do and what not to do. We often learn what not to by making mistakes and failing along the way. This is hard-won experience. Mastery takes time and commitment. The more proficient we become in our abilities, the more the world seems to slow down for us. We begin to see things as they are unfolding. Sometimes, we can accurately predict how and when things will unfold. We become assured in our abilities and our knowledge. As we learn to expertly predict pitfalls and manage the unpredictable, we spend less time with our head on a swivel and more time enjoying a more remarkable life.
Victories
To strive towards living a remarkable life we need to position ourselves for success. To do this, there are two factors we must keep in mind:
Position ourselves for victories by capitalizing on opportunities.
Recognize and acknowledge the victories when they happen.
Positioning ourselves for victories simply means we learn to recognize opportunities to showcase our character and improve our frame. To begin doing this, we stop avoiding issues and conflict and begin engaging with it in assertive ways. Avoidance is never a real solution to happiness. Addressing particular situations can be a little intimidating, or even daunting, therefore it is best to take a gradual approach to this. Managing issues and conflict with assertiveness result in more harmony in our interactions. In turn, the relationships in our lives are less turbulent and we can engage with people with more confidence.
Opportunities
Victories aren't just about alleviating undesirable experiences in life. Victories help shift our eyes toward outcomes and dreams while allowing us to appreciate the present more fully. Our interactions with others are more meaningful when we seek harmony. When this happens, we are more open to positive outcomes than avoiding negative emotions. This allows us to accomplish what is important to us and to Develop a more enriched sense of self. Having a renewed sense of self can spark a more defined sense of direction for us, which plays a pivotal role in reaching our goals. Of course, none of this will happen until we take action. When our actions result in desired outcomes, they inspire us to do more. As we become more wholehearted and deliberate, we gain a deeper sense of purpose. That is why it is importance to practice confidence.
Acknowledgement
All the victories in the world won't help us if we don't acknowledge them. The best way to encourage behaviors is through positive reinforcement. Recognizing, acknowledging, and praising desirable behaviors profoundly shapes the direction we go. Practicing confidence means behaving in ways that are indicative of being the person you want to be. We have an image of the person we see ourselves becoming and our actions are what gets us there. This image is the goal we have for ourselves; our actions are the means to gets there. Reinforcing the actions that get us to where want to go is paramount.
Regarding confidence, the brain operates on a reward system. If we do a good job, our brain rewards us with serotonin, which is a naturally occurring "feel good" chemical. Serotonin is correlated with confidence. The more well-regulated our serotonin, the more confident we feel. This works by the brain's reward system receiving a message saying that we've done something good/right. Once the brain's reward system gets the message it then releases serotonin to the body and we feel really good. Our brain's "associative machine" correlates the good feeling with the good/right thing we did. We like this feeling and it inspires us to repeat this thing. The feeling itself provides a sense of assurance in ourselves. This is confidence. The repeated behaviors result in an improved skillset. This is increased confidence.
Successful Implementation
Practicing confidence is just that: practicing. We have probably all heard the saying, "fake it 'til you make it". While there is some debate about the usefulness of this cliché, it is worthwhile to look deeper into its meaning. Perhaps, what it really means is that to become assured in your abilities in something, you must act in ways that are indicative of the very thing you wish to be good at. When children want to learn how to tie their shoes, they merely mimic what they think an adult does. In their mind, they just see someone twisting and looping two strings together and a little bow emerges. Twisting and looping = shoes tied. They don't know about the subtle techniques of precisely manipulating the two strings through various loops, passthroughs, and twists all in a particular order. They simply attempt to put the two strings together in a manner that seems like the strings do the work for them. They might become frustrated as the two strings fall loosely. Or they might manage to tangle up the two strings in a loosely bound knot. Yet through practice, the acts indicative of tying shoes, they eventually master this task of which they will eventually take for granted.
Conceptually, this process is the same throughout life. We have a greater goal in mind of mastering something. We come to realize other things we need to learn in order to master the greater goal. As we take on these individual tasks of learning to do the things that allow us to achieve our greater goal, we realize there are even more things to learn. This is life. There is so much to learn, so many abilities to master, therefore we must always act in ways that are indicative of the master we wish to become. This requires effort and creativity.
Wrongful Implementation
Psyching ourselves out (extreme self-hyping) is a pitfall that many of us fall into. It is essentially undermining our own confidence. Although using positive language with ourselves is conducive to changing our lives, we must be mindful of taking things to the extreme. Psych-outs are a pitfall in the sense that we are merely overestimating our current skillset. When we do this, we fail to recognize inadequacies. Addressing such inadequacies solidify the process of building true confidence. We cannot speed up the process of mastery, but we can slow it down. Psyching ourselves out can impede the very lessons we need to become genuinely confident. Confidence occurs when particular behaviors take place in a particular method. Interfering with this process creates an unreliable foothold as we strive to accomplish our goals and build relationships.
Understanding the difference between confidence and arrogance is vital. On the surface the two may have some similarities. A person's insecurities will eventually reveal itself through the veil of arrogance. Yet, genuine confidence will always shine through. Never suppress your insecurities. Instead, be open with them through deliberate vulnerability. Typically, it's not the insecurities themselves that we are judged by, we are instead judged by how well we handle them.
Corrective Actions
As we master life, we often miss the mark. A major part of mastery is how well we learn to adjust to missing the mark. Correcting our mistakes defines our character to a great extent. Make it a habit of asking yourself particular questions that will guide you to a more consistent path to confidence. Learn to recognize when you are missing the mark by asking yourself if you are psyching yourself out or coming across as arrogant. Notice if people are having difficulty warming up to you or if they are struggling to be receptive to you. People do not wholeheartedly gravitate towards those whose confidence is feigned or those who seem to spend too much time convincing themselves of their abilities in things. Seek to be more trustworthy if you've found yourself stumbling into these pitfalls. People love those who are naturally trustworthy. But people also love a good comeback story, so let's correct ourselves.
Keys to Improvement
When we've reached the limits of our abilities and experience, we rely on our grit and determination. Our ability to do something is determined by our current physical ability and our current knowledge base. We can only perform as well as our physical peak and the information we have. Beyond that, is what we have the capacity to do. Once we've reached the limits of our known abilities, we must tap into our creative capacity, through which growth and expansion occur. This process can be grueling and testing. Here, we must evoke up the all the determination possible to stay on track. Sometimes it is sheer grit that gets us through to the other side of this process.
Building confidence occurs through this process. Practicing faith in this process positions you to capitalize on opportunities to display genuine confidence as well as to recognize the victories you have. Take solace in your grit and determination. Where it like a badge of honor. There can be great satisfaction in mastering various aspects of human nature and calming the naysaying messages that often repeat themselves inside our heads. Notice how your experiences shift from surviving situations you once found difficult to thriving in them. Praise yourself for the hard work you've done. Encourage yourself to continue excelling. On day you struggle to feel inspired, return to the most basic notion of change: taking action.
This concludes this series of four articles covering the Four Pillars.
