A Guide to Frame Control
This blog is the third of four covering the Four Pillars
Much of what defines a person’s capacity is the determination and grit they display when they have reached the limits of their abilities.
Experiences often give us our most profound lessons in life. At a basic level of functioning, experiences serve as survival lessons. At their highest level, experiences create transformative awareness which leads us to self-actualization and transcendence. Typically, most of us fall somewhere in the middle of this range on any given day. Even our "average" experiences serve a purpose in developing the majority of our learned behaviors. Still, experience continues to define us in many ways. Mood. Mindset. Actions. Beyond the role experiences play in our development, experiences rely on how we view ourselves, but maybe more importantly, how we view our circumstances and environments. This is often thought of as how we frame our experiences, and how we frame our experiences is everything.
What is Frame?
Frame is the context in which you perceive your world. It is the boundaries around an experience or event. It is the meaning you place on a situation, or interaction, and frame is what enables you to get the outcome you want. Frame is the mental structure you create for yourself to prepare for and execute a plan to achieve an outcome; to get from point A to point B, while protecting yourself from distractions and objections. It is sort of like a forcefield that protects you on your journey.
Frame can be observed in nearly every interaction and event one experiences. A person's will, determination, resiliency, skillset, emotional intelligence, and confidence are all factors in their frame. One of the most important aspects of frame is that it is self-reinforcing. Frame and human biases are often interconnected. For example, if, from an early age, you had some profound experiences in which your trust was betrayed numerous times, you might have developed a negative frame about people being betrayers. In adulthood, as you experience seemingly normal interactions with people, the biases in your frame might cause you to only see behaviors in other people that are indicative of betrayal. Therefore, when someone displays the slightest bit of betrayal, even if it was out of the ordinary, you will infer that they are betrayers, and that all people will betray you. This is why it is important to have a positive frame while objectively seeking to attain a mindset of reason and logic when building that frame.
What is Frame Control
Frame Control is your ability to strengthen and sustain your frame. Frame control is often the most important aspect of navigating relationships and is vital in improving the quality of your responses. Frame control allows you to maintain logic and reason during emotional situations that might normally cause you to respond poorly. Frame control can help steer your behavior in a manner that is conducive to becoming the best version of yourself. Frame control also helps you stick to your plan, preventing you from deviating and losing sight of your goals.
A key component to frame control is mindfulness. It is important to simply notice your environment, thoughts, emotions, and reactions regarding the event or interaction in which you find yourself. Paying attention to obstacles and being willing to look at them for what they are, will help you determine how to respond to them. Sometimes, such obstacles can be intimidating and frightening. Practicing courage and envisioning yourself achieving your goals will dramatically improve the likelihood of reaching the outcomes you desire.
Experiencing Frame
Frame is typically an unconscious way of perceiving things. However, one can become aware of their frame and consciously change it. Your capacity to manage new challenges hinges on the strength of your frame. In a structural sense, frame is what holds up a house, it is what holds up a canvas, it is what supports a mineshaft. Frame can be compared functionally to Earth’s magnetic field, which protects us from dangerous solar winds. Creating our own protective field shields us from distractions and objections that could stop us from getting the outcome we want. This, along with assertiveness and character building, helps to form a solid foundation for navigating through life in healthy ways.
In terms of human interaction, frame refers to the meaning you place on a particular interaction and how you define what is going on. Emotionally, frame is experienced as confidence, assertiveness, and self-composure. Mentally, frame is experienced as having a clear vision of the outcome you want and remaining focused on it by using the appropriate resources to achieve those outcomes. Assertiveness is one of the basic resources required to have and maintain a strong frame.
Strength of Frame
Some people have weak frames or no frame at all. These people are quite passive and rarely get what they want. When they do get what they want it is by happenstance. Although many people do have frame, most people have average frames; they do not have strong frames. People with average frames do more than just get by, yet, when faced with any real resistance, they often give up their efforts to reach their goals. This is often observed as people settling for less than what they want. People who have a strong frame tend to get the outcomes they want the majority of the time. The following is a scenario with three frame examples: a person with a weak frame, a person with an average frame, and a person with a strong frame.
Weak/No Frame
A man with a weak frame goes into a home improvement store and purchases a new lawn mower. When he tries out his new mower, he discovers that the mower is not functioning properly due to some defective parts. He decides he is going to take it back to the home improvement store to get a refund. When he brings the mower to the customer service desk and requests a refund, the cashier asks the man for his receipt. The man says, “I do not have my receipt”. The cashier says, “We have to have a receipt in order to give a refund". So the man returns home, frustrated. He gave up his efforts at the slightest resistance. He encountered one objection and he lost his frame.
Average Frame
A man with an average frame, in the same scenario, returns the mower and requests a refund, and the cashier asks the man for his receipt. The man says, “I do not have my receipt”. The cashier says, “We have to have a receipt in order to give a refund”. The man says, “Well, is there anything else that can be done?”. The cashier replies, “We can exchange it or give you a store credit”. The man accepts the offer and, although he may not be as frustrated as the man with a weak frame, he still settled and did not give any real effort to achieve the outcome he wanted.
Strong Frame
A man with a strong frame returns the mower and requests a refund. The cashier asks the man for his receipt. The man says, “I do not have my receipt”. The cashier says, “We have to have a receipt in order to give a refund”. The man replies, “I understand that, but I want my money back”. The cashier says, “Sir, our policy states that we have to have a receipt in order to give a refund”. The man replies again, “I understand that's what your policy states, but I want my money back”. The cashier replies, “I don’t have the authority to override the policy, sir”. The man says, “Then I would like to speak with someone who does”. The manager comes over and reiterates what the cashier told the man about the refund policy. The man repeats himself, “I understand what your policy says, but I want my money back. You guys sold me a defective lawn mower and that is unacceptable. I want my money back and I will escalate this up the chain of command if I have to”. The manager replies, “I guess I can do this just one time” and refunds the man. The man with the strong frame outlasted the cashier and the manager. He used assertiveness skills and practiced good character. He held his frame, even against the strong resistance of a store policy and two employees. He was even willing to go further. Not to mention the other customers who were in line behind him who had their receipts, were likely grunting in frustration with the man.
Building Frame
Anything that is not congruent with the outcome you want is merely an objection or a distraction. Being resilient to objections and distractions will enable you to stay on track. Your ability to stay on track hinges on how much responsibility you assume in a given interaction. One of the most common distractions one can encounter is another person’s frame. Perhaps, you often find yourself being pulled into an interaction in which you find yourself defending your behavior or rationalizing why you desire a particular outcome. When this happens, take an objective look at your emotions and utilize your skills to maintain frame.
As with practicing assertiveness and building character, practicing frame control can seem awkward at first. Gradual changes in behavior modification are typically much more sustainable than radical changes. Therefore, practice frame control on subtle, less significant interactions. Perhaps, you meet another driver at an intersection at the exact same time, and no one has the right of way. Practice holding your frame by not moving until the other driver has proceeded through the intersection, even if she insists you go first. If you happen to open the door for someone at a restaurant and they are holding the second set of doors for you, hold frame and insist that they let you hold the door for them. Practicing holding frame in daily situations will help you understand the concept of frame better, which will strengthen your frame overall.
Types of Frames
Frames can be categorized into three types: Ecology Frame, Safe Frame, and Self-Preservation Frame.
Ecology Frame
The Ecology Frame is about getting the outcomes you want in a way that allows everyone to win. It is about practicing good character and creating situations in which everyone benefits. “Everyone” may include your partner, your children, your community, your country, or the world. This frame requires the most creativity, for you must figure out how to get the outcome you want, while reaching a solution in which everyone benefits. The Ecology Frame should be the frame most striven for. Achieving outcomes within the context of relationships comes with great responsibility. Your actions will almost always have an impact on other people, therefore, carefully considering how achieving your outcomes affect others will create harmony in your relationships as well as a strong sense of leadership within yourself.
Safe Frame
The Safe Frame is about getting the outcome you want as long as you don’t harm anyone in the process. This is likely your most used frame and does not require much creativity. This frame is appropriate in many situations, especially those that only affect you, has no long-term effect on you, and doesn’t put you at risk of needless consequences. Using the Safe Frame too much may often be manifested as neglect for others. Be mindful of how often you operate within the Safe Frame.
Self-Preservation Frame
The Self-Preservation Frame is about getting the outcome you want, even if it’s at the expense of someone else. Acting in self-defense is operating within the Self-Preservation Frame. In the context of relationships, the Self-Preservation Frame should rarely be used and always taken seriously before implementing. Sometimes, we may find ourselves in situations which require us to act in spite of someone else potentially being harmed. This does not mean that we should intentionally cause harm. Harming others should only ever be a side-effect of protecting ourselves. For instance, if your spouse is screaming at you and your attempts to calmly diffuse the hostility have not worked, you might choose to leave for the night, or until things deescalate. Although your spouse may experience emotional harm as a result of you leaving, it was not your intention to harm your spouse; your intention was to remove yourself from the hostile environment. Self-Preservation Frame might often be the case of choosing the lesser of two evils.
Morality Lies in our Outcomes, not our Frames
Some argue that the concept of frame is disturbing because it comes across as amoral. Those people are not wrong. Frame is quite amoral in and of itself. However, frame is a tool. So is a hammer. A hammer has no morals. A hammer can be used to drive nails. It can also be used to assault someone. Morality lies in the outcomes people choose. Frame is merely the conduit in which outcomes are achieved. Adolf Hitler had a very strong frame. Hitler was incredibly determined. He created an extraordinarily strong frame to achieve something globally immoral. However, Winston Churchill, together with other allies, also had a very strong frame and their frame would ultimately outlast Hitler's frame. Hitler also operated entirely in the Self-Preservation Frame and everything he did to reach his atrocious mission came at the expense of others. Unfortunately, the United States and its allies had to operate in the Self-Preservation Frame in order to achieve their mission of stopping Hitler. The difference in these two sides was the morality of their desired outcomes.
Successful Implementation
At the very least, successfully implementing frame is simply practicing it. Typically, when a person begins to practice frame, it may be as simple as trying a different approach to a situation, trying anything other than what you might have normally done. However, this should be done within reason and implemented gradually. Practicing frame is consistently done so by using assertiveness skills.
Consider frame control/assertiveness centered on a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum would be passivity, or weak frame. On the opposite end would be aggression. As people move from one end of the spectrum towards assertiveness, they are also technically moving towards the opposite end. For example, if you are typically passive and you are moving towards assertiveness, you technically are also heading towards the aggressive end of the spectrum. Behaviorally, going from being passive to assertive can be observed as going from being a mostly quiet person to being aggressive. People often tend to think in extremes. Because people normally experience you as a passive person, your attempts to be assertive might be viewed as you becoming aggressive. The same goes for an aggressive person moving towards being assertive. They might often be perceived as becoming passive. Therefore, in order to experience optimal success with building your frame, it is almost always best to make gradual changes in your behavior.
Regarding relationships, practicing the Ecology Frame is most beneficial to cultivating harmonious connections and practicing responsible leadership. As with assertiveness, frame control tends to result in increased confidence, which is also imperative when becoming emotionally reliable. One thing that helps many people is to remember that, since you invited someone into your life, it makes no sense to neglect that relationship. Otherwise, why did you engage in that relationship in the first place?
Wrongful Implementation
Creating and maintaining your frame should not be dependent on a single event. Such dependence allows people or circumstances to impede the outcome you want. You likely can recall experiences in which you legitimately confronted your partner about a boundary you needed to establish, or a boundary you needed to reinforce. Perhaps, you’ve had the experience of this type of confrontation being turned around on you, then you ended up apologizing for your behavior, and walking away frustrated that they never acknowledged your boundary. This is an example of you losing frame and allowing someone else to bring you into their frame. You changed the desired outcome you had when you began the conversation by letting the event control your behaviors instead of letting your frame control your behaviors.
Regarding relationships, too much implementation of the Self-Preservation Frame will prove detrimental in your pursuit of meaningful relationships. There is a thin, blurry line between the Self-Preservation Frame and self-seeking behavior. The Self-Preservation Frame, when utilized correctly, is intended to promote behaviors that contribute to harmonious connections. Self-seeking behaviors tend to contribute to isolation and pushing people away, which make it difficult to gain meaningful relationships.
Corrective Actions
You are human and you will undoubtedly fail from time to time. It is no secret that failure often takes place on the journey to success. Failure is a key component to mastery, because mastering things means understanding the subtle nuances of what you are mastering. To truly know the ins and outs of something requires that you know how to do and how not to do it. Regarding frame and failure, taking corrective actions involves adjusting your course back to the main goal, returning to your skillset, and regaining composure.
If you lose frame, there are only two right choices: use the failure as a learning tool for future reference if the event or interaction is over; or simply implement your skills in order to regain frame if the event or interaction still persists. When you experience a loss of frame when the event or interaction is over, you should reevaluate your overall goal regarding the context of the situation. Consider this an opportunity to live to fight another day. This is a chance to gather yourself together and regain focus. If you find yourself having lost your frame, yet the event or interaction still persists, reimplement the skills necessary for establishing your frame as if it were a new event or interaction.
Keys to Improvement
Assertiveness is the key to improving your frame. The more you understand and practice assertiveness, the stronger your frame will be. Assertiveness skills are the foundation of quality responses and drive frame control more than any other factor. Additionally, being mindful of which part of your character you display during interactions can enhance your frame to a large degree. Displaying appropriate character traits will make frame control much easier. Furthermore, acting confidently in our interactions with others not only strengthens our frame, but eliminates the urge for the other person to hold frame.
Lastly, frame control should have a system of checks and balances. Being mindful of the three types of frames in which you are operating is, in itself, a system of checks and balances. More importantly, having the mindset of being emotionally reliable and mentally sound will help to ensure that others are receptive to your desires. This is ultimately the purpose of frame control. Always seek healthy, positive outcomes.
Up next, A Guide to Confidence, which covers the fourth of the Four Pillars.
