The Edge of Certainty: Part II
“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality”
In my last blog, I wrote about the experience of approaching the threshold where reality becomes too much to bear. I explored two common responses to this phenomenon: complete avoidance by denying such reality and partial avoidance by reducing such reality to a level where one feels competent to deal with it. I also explored the cost of this and what we have to gain by courageously facing reality when it is most difficult. I want to continue this exploration with another question, which is, “Regarding particular aspects of reality one person is able to bear, can it be too much for another?” In other words, are some challenges we face difficult for others, but optimally suited for us? And do we know when this is the case?
First, let’s consider what this is on an observable level. When I mention avoiding reality, I’m referring to manufacturing a false experience of facing lesser fears than those that are truly our worst. We can see this when people consistently engage in generally difficult things. Still, if we were to get a peek into their minds, we would often notice that they are merely sticking to fear and difficult challenges they are familiar with. For instance, the guy you see at the Crossfit gym is dedicated, continuously improving, and takes pride in his commitment to engaging in an arduous task. Imagine most of these guys are relatively stable and successful in other significant aspects of their lives, such as family, work, and social life. Now imagine fewer of these guys on Instagram always talking about how “you just gotta commit and do something hard, like our ancestors did.” He leads by example by showing his followers how courageous and dedicated he is and how he started out as an out-of-shape man who worked his way up to where he is now. These are likely to be widely accepted as success stories. Now, imagine one of these guys is avoiding something much more frightening than the constant grind of his programming.
Perhaps it’s the woman who has made quite a name for herself in the corporate world, and she even coaches other up-and-coming women how to do the same. Yet, if we look closely, we would possibly find that this is no longer the most difficult thing she must face, and that she uses the experience of corporate challenges to unconsciously avoid facing that thing. It could also simply be the guy who was once a lazy husband and employee who reoriented himself to become more conscientious in those roles. Although he’s quite the example of a hardworking husband and employee, it could be the case that he is avoiding a more difficult task with himself, such as channeling his creativity in those roles. There is an abundance of examples to draw from.
What if it were the case that what was once a seemingly insurmountable mountain is now something these people are now very optimally suited for. The philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca once said, “We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” While it is certainly extremely challenging, it’s likely that their perceptions of courage with such challenges are primarily determined by the perception of those who are not well suited for them. What if, in the sense that cultivating the will to face their fears, it’s not actually that hard to do with those things anymore? Yet they keep on believing it is difficult, that they are brave and noble for continuing to do so. These are everyday examples of how virtues can become vices. But, of course, it doesn’t happen overnight. It is subtle and gradual, virtually happening entirely on an unconscious level. This is experiential avoidance, and it could explain a phenomenon not easily detected by us most of the time. Perhaps when it is most apparent, we see each other spending more time talking about what we are opposed to doing instead of what we think we should be doing. This is often a pretty good indicator that we are avoiding a difficult area of our lives that require our care and attention. And denial is powerful! I believe this is problematic because it enables us to avoid looking at what we are truly terrified of. This avoidance severely stunts the bravery necessary for becoming a more authentic and wholesome version of ourselves.
What are we cutting ourselves off from by doing so? The short answer is truth and meaning. But this short answer is worth taking apart. When we look at what we are truly terrified of, we get braver. Such an increase in bravery enables us to confront the dark and shadowy corners of our world. In turn, this opens us up to truths about humanity and ourselves that could set us free in the sense that we retrieve what seems lost to Hell and give it meaning. In other words, when we face what truly frightens us, we learn invaluable lessons about what we are capable of. Knowing what we are capable of helps us understand what we are contending with, be it ourselves or others. We then give ourselves an optimal chance to develop our character and personality in an authentic and wholesome manner, not just for ourselves but for the world around us. And that is meaningful! But the truth of the things about ourselves and humanity burns. It burns away the falsities of our beliefs systems–a painful and frightening process. So, we don’t get to skip this part if we are to truly embody the virtues we claim to live by. We have to do the dirty work. Otherwise, we are manipulating reality, and that is deceitful. Therefore, we must aim to discover whatever truth will elevate our existence into a more meaningful one, but understand that it will be difficult. It may be more difficult than we can imagine.
How can we guard against this? First, I think it is paramount to look for our own biases and how we might be avoiding the truly difficult reality of our life by creating a slightly less difficult experience. If we don’t look for it, we are likely not going to find it. The trouble with guarding against such biases is that we don’t know what to look for. Yet, we must not underestimate the power of open-mindedness, for that alone can open our eyes to things that have been obscured up to this point. In other words, having a questioning attitude and curiosity about the unknown—particularly the more frightening aspects of it—can lead us to discoveries of truths we never knew existed. With that being said, I also believe that honesty and humility are more important. If we are honest, we will soon realize what we are terrified of, which is a huge first step. Lastly, having the humility to acknowledge that we do not know what we do not know is vital. Perhaps honesty comes before humility, which comes before curiosity, and this progression is a recipe for becoming the ultimate versions of ourselves.
